The Winter Forest and Planning Ahead

Hello Readers; 

This is one of those sweaters that has been in my closet forever, and it's always been the cosiest go-to. I love the heaviness of the fabric that isn't found in a lot of the sweaters in stores today. I thrifted it about 3-4 years ago and I was with my grandma at the time. I remember her looking at it and saying "...Really? You like that?" and it makes me laugh because it is kind of a weird sweater, but yeah! i do like it! and the rest is history. My dress is also a comfy go-to, and those who know me will have heard my exuberant protests against the discomfort of a dress. Dresses are so darn comfy, you have a FULL range of motion and little restriction at your waistline. Henceforth this comfy sweater/dress combo is my uniform for chilly [understatement] Manitoba winter days. 

The middle of February is approaching; if you're a student, this means it is the time to figure out your summer job plans! Right? 

This is ridiculous. Please leave me to think until April. I cannot predict my thoughts, life circumstances, or preferences 3 months in advance. It is simply not done for me. I know myself enough to know that I have no idea what I will be feeling in April. Of course, I have to transcend this uncertainty and try and apply for a few things while I have the chance. "Everything will be gone" they say. "You have to start looking now" they say. "Don't procrastinate" they say. Maybe I am procrastinating, but there's something about this process that seems entirely too unpredictable to be able to plan 4 months in advance. 

This process and feeling echoes of the conversational habits we have that involve the "making plans to make plans." This is one of the worst things about talking to people that you don't really desire a true and deep relationship with at the time. (A strong reference to my post about this in September) The conversation starts to wind to a close and one of the parties chooses to say "We should hang out sometime!" or literally anything that suggests further involvement and adventure with that person. Of course, our Canadian politeness bids us to oblige their fantastical ideal and say "Yeah for sure! Just text me!" and we BOTH know it won't happen. We both know we don't have time, or we don't care much, or we don't actually want to. Not because we are rude people, but just because we know it isn't reality. I hate doing this conversational theater, the performance of pretending to assume it will happen. I avoid it as much as possible. There's guilt if you don't text them, and there's the obligation to schedule a meeting if you do. 

That's what it feels like to make plans for May. Or July or September or 2019 or 2027 or anything. I just don't know. And frankly, I don't want to know. Because I want to care about today more than anything. I want to be present and be making good decisions about tomorrow and next week, instead of always trying to look ahead at what the future might hold. No one knows what is going to happen, that's how life works. 

Of course it's good to dream, it's good to imagine and consider the possibilities of accomplishing the things you have always wanted to. And it's also good to prepare ahead of time and make sure you budget your time and money for the upcoming seasons. But I don't think I can afford to get caught up in not only worrying about today and tomorrow, but also 2017 and 2018. That is not something I have the brain space for. 

Or maybe I just have a really small brain. 

(It was so cold as we did these pictures. I wish I could have been in an outfit that involved mittens.)

But I respect those individuals that plan details in advance. They tend to seem quite "together." Me, I will keep pursuing the courage to trust in God for my future and try not to worry as I scroll through the wanted ads and job sites for things that might resemble something close to my degree. And jobs that don't need 20 years of experience. (Because, you see, I have only lived for 19.5 and that is clearly not enough.)

//Sweater: Thrifted//Dress: Thrifted// Tights: Joe Fresh//Lipstick: Rimmel Kissproof Provocalips//

The band Young Oceans has delivered a masterful collection of music that is both worshipful and intensely passionate, while still having a thread of tenderness. Their music is simple and ethereal, and it lends it's electronic sound to bigger melodies as it echoes across a sound-scape of strong rhythm. They released a new song yesterday called Let This Heart Not Wander, but since it's not on YouTube yet, I will give you another one of my favourites. Enjoy! 

Love, Natasha 

Bonus photo: