The Swing of Things

Dear Readers,

I have so much to tell you; I don't know where to begin.

I feel better now, after two months of unemployment, anxiety, bad circumstances, and being far away from my man. Things are looking up. 

These pictures were taken on an adventure I had with my dear friend Christine, an impromptu trip to a forest. Always a good beginning to a story. 

I miss blogging so much. I miss having convenient forests and spontaneous photoshoots. I really need that outlet in my life, and it's just not as easy here in Kelowna. So today I'm just going to spill my guts as much as I can and leave you, dear reader, to stare at my ugly intestines as you witness the mess that I am. 

My life was beginning to feel like A Series of Unfortunate Events, minus the angry murderous uncle. It was traffic tickets and job rejections and the loss of a loved one and my entire family just suddenly moving out for a month and my sweet love back in Manitoba and a big fat silence from God. I cried a lot, I think it was the most I've cried in my entire life, not counting age 6 when everything was a big deal. I just wanted to end it all and start over. It was so tough. 

There was no magic moment or special day that made me see how God was moving. It was just people's patience with me and finally landing a job in the least expected (but most amazing) place. The clouds finally parted and the sun came out. (like, literally it rained a lot and now it's sunny and it actually changes so much for me) 

I feel like God shoved lesson after lesson at me and after all that time, I'm still such an ungrateful wretch. A self aware ungrateful wretch, but I just cant get it through my thick skull. That God's freakin got it covered and I'm just meant to trust that. It's my job to trust that. 

These pictures are so happy. It's kind of weird to look at them now. Where do I find my joy? Where does my sense of happiness lie? What happens when I lose that? I have so many questions about who I am. I don't feel prepared for any more lessons from God right now. 

Today at work we had a party. It was awesome. I made friends! I've never really had friends at work before. It is really rad. Anyway, during the party there were chairs lined up all around the walls of the room, so everyone was just in a giant circle, And there were more people than chairs, so as the self-proclaimed hostess, I was hoping I could get these people to sit down so I just grabbed some chairs and plunked them in the middle for people. But they just took them and placed them in spots around the edge?? making the circle even less penetrable than before?? inconsiderate. 

There was one chair left in the middle. It was all alone and the party was running very nicely around it. So of course, I went and sat in the chair, in the middle of the circle. You know, adults are so funny. If anything is ever an oddity or runs amuck, they are sure to comment. They looove things that are strange. Well lucky for them, I am strange. So as i sat in this chair and just ate my lunch, they laughed at me and took pictures and made comments about how I didn't mind being center of attention (it was far from a party for me, after all.) and it was just so weird. 

It made me think about so many things about my self, like is it okay that I'll be the center of attention? That when I'm comfortable with people, it's where I like to be? Why is that? I wouldn't really ever do that at my other jobs, because I'm too busy trying to impress everyone with how normal I am. But honestly, that was the best party I've had in a long time. I was weird. I was extroverted. And it felt so nice to be surrounded by people who would laugh at my antics and not tell me that I didn't fit in. I'm so encouraged by that. I love working behind the scenes for others to succeed, and I love giving people the opportunity to laugh, sometimes at my expense. I don't mind. 

What does that even mean, though? How do I navigate this strangeness of mine into something that can be used at work and at parties? Do I even want to continue with it? Or should I let myself be poured into the mold of professional-white-business-woman and call it all "part of my youth"? I don't even know what to do with all this information today. 

This post is such a jumble. But I do know one thing: My friends and my coworkers and my man are the ones that keep me going. Do you know why? Because they take the time to say to me, "Tasha, just look at what God is doing." and when I do, I see that he is indeed doing great things. 

Like this lovely person, Christine! wow! how amazing she is! I'm so inspired by her every action and word. She takes simple things like a picture and makes them into something deeper and better. I'm not at all prepared to let her go. 

 I just needed to get all of that out. Hopefully I can make another post soon, something to make you excited about the possibilities of summer fashion. 

Thanks for listening. I'm so grateful. 

Love, Natasha 


Sheila Martens said…
Natasha Love...I love it!

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